This song never failed to bring tears to my eyes… maybe because tis song is a song that my heart silently sang for the past 29 years of my life…

20 years ago a young woman decided to give me up… and 29 years later here am I, writing a letter and prays that one day you will come across and read this…

Nay…

29 years after I still love you… Even if you decided leaving and giving me up was the best one for me…

In each passing day, I have always wondered… how you look like… Do we have something in common physically? Do you also have straight hair like mine? Do we have the same eye color? Do we look like each other…

There are nights I would stare out my window and just think about you… Do I ever cross your mind? Have you ever thought about me? Have you ever wondered how I looked like now? Have you ever wished you’d find me again?

In each and every milestone in my life, I have never failed to think about you… silently wishing  that you’d be proud of me too… That hopefully I have grown to be a woman you wanted me to be…

I have cried a thousand tears nay… trying to understand the reasons why… trying to think how hard it was for you to give me up. Mama told me stories about you and she has raised me well thats why I have no hate nor angst about you…

I just wish that life has become better for you Nay, that giving me up was all worth it.

Nay.. I tried to look for you but I think God has better plans for us… I am not letting go of that hope that one day we will meet and all my questions will be answered.

Nay, even if you and I maybe strangers to each other… deep in my heart you have always held a place so special…

Like what Annie said in her song…

So maybe now this prayer’s
The last one of it’s kind…
Won’t you please come get your “Baby”…. Maybe

 

 

 

 

Betrayal

A very painful word.

I have gone through so much of this that it overwhelms my whole being.

Though my husband has remained loyal to me throughout the years I continue to experience this from circle of what I thought friends… I regret that I was raised to be a trusting person. This has put me into a very vulnerable situation and becomes prey to the evil side of insensitive human beings.

I am not perfect and yes in my 29 years of human existence I have fallen short and hurt so many people in my life. Yet deep within me I know that goodness reign over evil. And I have always been good and giving to everyone that crosses my path. However, because of all the betrayals that I have gone through, I have learned how unfair fellow humans can be. They can rip off the remaining enthusiasm, hope and love remaining in your spirit.

For a month now I have been hiding, running away from pain, hurt and harshness but how come everytime, things starts to fall into place I let them hurt me passively.

I don’t want to hurt anymore, I dont want them to win over me. I don’t want to be scared. I want to break free from this self made prison of being afraid from people’s judgment.

I feel like all my life I have been running away from judgment, gossip and criticism but I realized there is really no place like that except in heaven. Its a sad reality I cannot escape.

Sometimes I feel like Im slowly becoming a prison of my fears.

I imagine myself sitting in the dark inside the cold steel bars…. waiting…. waiting for that very moment that I can definitely break free from the bondage of judgment, gossip and fear.

I pray that my wounds would heal, I pray that my heart would mend. I pray that I will learn how to forgive and to forget. And I pray for more courage and strength.

I want to be a fighter than stay like a coward that I am.

I know God is teaching me a very important lesson in life. I just need to be prepared on this new journey. I need to let Him take me to wherever it is He wants me to go.

The past 2 months has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I received a lot of “punches” emotionally. Mom got seriously ill, hubby is still unemployed and alcoholic while me, I face a humongous amount of financial debt. I became sad, depressed and hopeless.

The weird thing about it is I kept silent. I am an emotional writer. I write at best either when I am happy or when I am sad. I wrote a few drafts for this blog. But I didn’t ever publish it. Not because I didn’t want to share it with you but because I didn’t know if it made sense.

But aside from the life’s drama that I’ve been through, I also rekindled a spark with a childhood ‘friend’, let’s just call him K. K was a playmate, a family friend. We didn’t spend as much time growing up together but we have met on several family occasions. I used to have a crush on him. But because I felt like an ugly duckling when I was little, I thought he will never pay any attention. Years after, we again met, and he’s still the same old cute K.

He courted. If I remember it right, maybe visited 1 or 2 times at home. But then he disappeared. No goodbyes, nothing. We moved on with our lives.

Now we’re both married with kids. But recently I’ve been spending a lot of time chatting with him. Sharing my life’s drama, the sadness and even the smallest details of my life. Catching up with the lost years. It feels as if we were getting to know each other again for the first time.

I found myself everyday eager to check whether he’s already online or not. I found myself smiling and blushing in front of my computer and feeling a whole lot better even with just a “hi”. I like the rush of “hiding” my conversations with him from H. Its as if I was having an affair. But I know it wasn’t. It can’t be.

It doesnt qualify to be one. We both don’t have a commitment with each other. We both don’t have expectations. And we both don’t want to see each other personally. It feels like a spur of a moment, and I hope that it lasted longer.

It was the happiest 2 weeks of my life for 2010. Yes, amidst all the chaos inside my house, I felt happy. Everyday in that hour or two, it made me forget how difficult life is. He made me feel worthy to be loved and cared for. That I can still be special, even if…

But I stayed away from (K) him after that. I kept my distance. Not because I don’t want myself to get hurt but because I wanted to find out what I really wanted in my life. At that time, I had already packed my bags and ready to leave H. I wanted to leave, I was ready to leave. But I kept my distance from K because I wanted to know the real reason why I am leaving H. Is it because of K? Or is it because leaving H would mean my own happiness?

My bags are packed, my flight is already booked. I reserved an apartment that my daughter and I can stay into… All I was waiting for was courage… courage to head straight out of that door.

That night H and I had a talk… (To be continued…)

I barely blog about him. To those who follow my blog, Z is my one great love, the one that got away. We’ve been together for almost 3 years. Broke up on the phone because he was in another country. The relationship didn’t work out because it wasn’t the right time for both of us. I believed we have the right love at the very wrong time. I was immature and so young that I have to grow up first to be a woman he wanted me to be. And he have to fulfill his own dreams first without me. All those years, I never lost hope that one day it will still be us in the end. But it never happened. He got married. I never saw him after the breakup. Although all these years we still exchange emails every now and then. He’s already married and so am I.

How can you say you’re really over with someone whom you have loved wholeheartedly? All these years I tried to move on with my life, but I never forgot. Part of me still belongs to him. Part of me still wants him back in my life. All these years I have been pushing those thoughts out of my mind. I kept telling myself, its unfair for H.

It has been almost 10 long years since we last saw each other. But I still hold on to his memories. I still have the gifts he gave me. I still have some of our pics. I know I should already let go of him and of this illusion. But how can I let go if the love that we both used to share is genuine. Yes I may be married, but the level of love that I have for H is never near towards the feelings I used to have for Z.

Now, Im all grown up and became the woman he wanted me to be. And he was able to fulfill his dreams. But the sad truth is, there will never be a happy ending for us. No more us. All these years secretly, I waited for this moment. The moment for us to see each other again. A chance to see if there is still love for both of us. Or a chance to really put an end to all my illusions.

10 long years and he’s back in the country. Knowing that he’s back makes me nervous. Im scared to be honest. Scared of seeing him for the first time again. Scared that I might get hurt seeing him, knowing that I can never have him back. And scared because maybe I just thought I still love him, and seeing him again for the first time might just put an end to all these feelings. Scared to see that the feelings I have for him will no longer be reciprocated.

I know he’s here… but I don’t have the guts to see him. I have been living the past 5 years of my life with what could’ve beens, with just memories… but now that he’s just here, I don’t have the courage to even look at him. What should I do? I can’t have him back in my life. I shouldn’t…

Maybe its time to really let go… or maybe its time to breakfree from this marriage…

13I just finished watching the wedding on television and mixed emotions started to pour in. I never walked down the aisle. And I guess I already gave up that dream of having a church wedding years ago. It is close to impossible. Not because I dont have a groom but because I honestly don’t feel we deserve it.

5 years ago, I decided to marry a man whom I thought loved me more than I loved him. But 5 years after, I found myself in a marriage that should’ve never even started. Yes I am guilty of marrying H for the wrong reasons. I married him as an escape goat. To be out from the house that I am unhappy with. I remember telling myself on our wedding day, that everything’s going to be okay because I know he loved me more than I love him. I remember whispering to myself that I will learn to love him more as we go on with this journey. But I was wrong…

I realized, that I married a man whom I honestly didn’t know anything about. I made myself believe that he may not be my prince charming but he will soon be my king.

I would be a hypocrite if I say I didn’t love him at all. I do until now, but he isn’t my one great love.

I cried tonight. Knowing that I will never ever feel how other brides felt on their wedding day… Knowing that I will never walk down the aisle and be married with someone who has overflowing love for me. I was hit by the reality that my marriage is failing…. and I can’t do anything about it.

Goodbye fairytale wedding….

*** I read this post in one of the blogs that I frequently visit. And so sad because her words are all like mine… ***

—————————————————————————————————————————-
Dear H,

All these years, I have been trying to understand, accept and love you wholeheartedly, flaws and all. I’d like to believe that I did, in fact I feel that I have given everything that I can without saving something left for myself. I have given you the best that I can and the best that I have. Unfortunately, the cup is now empty, and there’s nothing left to give, but a shattered soul crying deep within.

I never wanted this to happen, and I don’t even want this to end. But I can’t bear hurting this way more than ever. A pain I never thought existed. Hate that I have kept all these years, all but to myself. As much as we both wanted to live a fairytale life, and have a happy ending, just like the stories we both read to M before she goes to bed, it wont happen. Not now, not today.

I once said to you and your mom that I am the only person who truly loved you this much. Sadly that is true… In fact I was saying more of that to your mom, for her to realize, that she should start acting as one, start being a mom to you and your siblings. Something that she should’ve done years ago but neglected. Where were they when you most need them? Where are they when you are crying hard, fearful of what your life might become? Where are they when you were at your saddest moment? They have given help, yes but in the end we have been paying for their “help” all our lives when in fact they shouldn’t have asked for anything in return. They are supposed to be your family bud sadly they don’t know what family truly means. They are supposed to be the first to love and accept you wholeheartedly but they were the ones who have stepped down on you even at your breaking point.

I didn’t regret spending the last 5 years of my life with you. But I regret that you have lacked the love that you deserve from your family. I regret that my love alone can not fill the gaps and emptiness that you now feel because of your past. I regret that I can only love you this much when you deserve a love more than any money, material things could buy. I regret that I had you at your worst and they have had you at your best. I wish I have loved you earlier, I wish I have never let you go before. Then maybe all of these has changed. You are worth loving and living for H. I wish it will never be too late for them to realize that.

You always say that you are sorry for being the way you are right now. But your wrong H. You are great. You have a big heart, a heart to help those who are in need, a heart that can forgive despite everything they have said and done. You are an awesome Brother to them, for being forgiving, and giving everything that you can and even those that you can’t.

I regret that I am not rich enough to fulfill your family’s needs and wants. I regret that I, just like them, is also a human who made mistakes.

I am now ready to accept defeat and be a laughing stock of your family for years. I have failed them for not being someone they thought I was. I have failed you, for giving up and not fighting for what we have fought for 5 long years. As ironic as this may seem, I am doing this because I love you and I want only but the best for you. I want to give you a chance to prove them wrong. That even without me, you alone can fulfill your dreams, for yourself, for them and even for me and your daughter. That you really don’t need a wife to get a life of your own. A life that you can be proud of…. A life that you once had but let them take control.

You don’t need me to change for the better. You don’t need me so that you can have a better life. You don’t need anyone… You can make your life more meaningful… You are the only one who can change this. Not me…

In the meantime, I will try to find myself… find the things that I can do best, things that I forgot I once have. I should try and learn how to truly love myself first before I can give more to this relationship. This isn’t goodbye H, this is just a meantime for both of us. A time to pick up the pieces that we once lost in the process.

Yes it will hurt and yes it will be painful… but hopefully in the end, we would know that all the hurt and tears are worth it because by then we have become better in order for our love to be stronger. That we have grown to be mature people whose more ready to face life’s difficulties and challenges. That by then, we would sleep, and wake up, with a whole feeling that together is where we should be. No doubts, no questions, no gaps. Just an overflowing feeling of love.

For now, Im willing to experience the pain and hurt in exchange of a more long term peace within us both. Im willing to sacrifice the pain that our daughter might experience with this decision because I want her to grow up with a mom and a dad that she can be both be proud of. I want her to see that her parents have fallen in love, got lost in the middle of it but still found love in the end.

This isn’t goodbye H… Just see you later.

Loving you over and beyond my grave.

-E

Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with …and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?

I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose. I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a long time partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing.

It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will. The day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you’re single… but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”

That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that if you’re already with the one you’re with, that this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple… find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.” You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow. And it would be a great feeling, if in the end, you’d be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

Its his birthday today. I didn’t plan anything special. I also didn’t buy any gift.
I wanted to but I dont know what to give him.

Yesterday we went downtown to withdraw some cash but even though i have money to buy him a gift I didn’t but one. I don’t know what he likes or he wants for his birthday and I am reserving the money for today cause he might’ve invited some friends over…

But he didn’t. He’s quiet and sensitive today.

I asked him if he want’s to go out and he said no… I asked him if he wants to throw a simple party and he declined. His friends called him early in the morning and he didn’t answer.

During lunch, he is grumpy… I just asked my nephew to buy soda and he stood up and walked out. Did i say anything wrong?

Okay… okay guilty.
I should’ve planned something special for him today or perhaps bought him a gift. But with 6 years of marriage I don’t know whether he would appreciate anything. He never did. So why plan out something special right?

Its 12 noon here.. is it too late to make this day special?

Any ideas?

Okay… I haven’t posted any entries for a while. A lot of things has happened since I last posted an entry…

To start with, he finally went to seek a professional medical advice. Last month, we went to see a psychiatrist. I didn’t force him to seek help. The great thing was he asked for help. He acknowledged that he needed professional help.

I noticed he is extraordinarily quiet that morning, sitting right under our nipa hut sipping his cup of coffee. He sighed and popped the question. I felt relief, happy and at the same time enthusiastic. Finally, after years of waiting he finally hit the wall of realization.

On our way to the doctor I can feel he is anxious. I know there’s a lot of things going on in his mind.
Pressure… Nervousness…

I will no longer get into the nitty details of the consultation. But he was diagnosed with “Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour” aside from him being alcoholic. He was given medications…

Yes medications that are supposed to help him get back into shape… First night was difficult. He can’t sleep and still had one bottle of beer before he finally did go to bed. I thought.. yeah it was too early to expect changes…

Next morning, I literally had to drag him to drink his meds. I had to text his doctor asking for help cause he refuse to drink his medications. He said he was scared. Scared that he couldn’t drink again…. His doctor suggested we bring him to an alcohol specialist in Iloilo. And when he read about that, he drank the medicine.

Two weeks after that it was great. He feels good and better about himself. I guess that was the best two weeks of our lives…

And now… RELAPSE…

He went back to drinking night after night. One bottle of beer.
He is still obsessive compulsive… how and what kind I will tell you in another post…

The only change is he no longer drinks brandy…
Just beer…

Sigh… Sometimes I dont know whether it was good that he seek professional help. But then it was frustrating and disappointing on my end. I gave up but he showed me there’s hope only to find myself disappointed again in the end.

I wonder… will an alcoholic ever change?

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