The past 2 months has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I received a lot of “punches” emotionally. Mom got seriously ill, hubby is still unemployed and alcoholic while me, I face a humongous amount of financial debt. I became sad, depressed and hopeless.

The weird thing about it is I kept silent. I am an emotional writer. I write at best either when I am happy or when I am sad. I wrote a few drafts for this blog. But I didn’t ever publish it. Not because I didn’t want to share it with you but because I didn’t know if it made sense.

But aside from the life’s drama that I’ve been through, I also rekindled a spark with a childhood ‘friend’, let’s just call him K. K was a playmate, a family friend. We didn’t spend as much time growing up together but we have met on several family occasions. I used to have a crush on him. But because I felt like an ugly duckling when I was little, I thought he will never pay any attention. Years after, we again met, and he’s still the same old cute K.

He courted. If I remember it right, maybe visited 1 or 2 times at home. But then he disappeared. No goodbyes, nothing. We moved on with our lives.

Now we’re both married with kids. But recently I’ve been spending a lot of time chatting with him. Sharing my life’s drama, the sadness and even the smallest details of my life. Catching up with the lost years. It feels as if we were getting to know each other again for the first time.

I found myself everyday eager to check whether he’s already online or not. I found myself smiling and blushing in front of my computer and feeling a whole lot better even with just a “hi”. I like the rush of “hiding” my conversations with him from H. Its as if I was having an affair. But I know it wasn’t. It can’t be.

It doesnt qualify to be one. We both don’t have a commitment with each other. We both don’t have expectations. And we both don’t want to see each other personally. It feels like a spur of a moment, and I hope that it lasted longer.

It was the happiest 2 weeks of my life for 2010. Yes, amidst all the chaos inside my house, I felt happy. Everyday in that hour or two, it made me forget how difficult life is. He made me feel worthy to be loved and cared for. That I can still be special, even if…

But I stayed away from (K) him after that. I kept my distance. Not because I don’t want myself to get hurt but because I wanted to find out what I really wanted in my life. At that time, I had already packed my bags and ready to leave H. I wanted to leave, I was ready to leave. But I kept my distance from K because I wanted to know the real reason why I am leaving H. Is it because of K? Or is it because leaving H would mean my own happiness?

My bags are packed, my flight is already booked. I reserved an apartment that my daughter and I can stay into… All I was waiting for was courage… courage to head straight out of that door.

That night H and I had a talk… (To be continued…)

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