Betrayal

A very painful word.

I have gone through so much of this that it overwhelms my whole being.

Though my husband has remained loyal to me throughout the years I continue to experience this from circle of what I thought friends… I regret that I was raised to be a trusting person. This has put me into a very vulnerable situation and becomes prey to the evil side of insensitive human beings.

I am not perfect and yes in my 29 years of human existence I have fallen short and hurt so many people in my life. Yet deep within me I know that goodness reign over evil. And I have always been good and giving to everyone that crosses my path. However, because of all the betrayals that I have gone through, I have learned how unfair fellow humans can be. They can rip off the remaining enthusiasm, hope and love remaining in your spirit.

For a month now I have been hiding, running away from pain, hurt and harshness but how come everytime, things starts to fall into place I let them hurt me passively.

I don’t want to hurt anymore, I dont want them to win over me. I don’t want to be scared. I want to break free from this self made prison of being afraid from people’s judgment.

I feel like all my life I have been running away from judgment, gossip and criticism but I realized there is really no place like that except in heaven. Its a sad reality I cannot escape.

Sometimes I feel like Im slowly becoming a prison of my fears.

I imagine myself sitting in the dark inside the cold steel bars…. waiting…. waiting for that very moment that I can definitely break free from the bondage of judgment, gossip and fear.

I pray that my wounds would heal, I pray that my heart would mend. I pray that I will learn how to forgive and to forget. And I pray for more courage and strength.

I want to be a fighter than stay like a coward that I am.

I know God is teaching me a very important lesson in life. I just need to be prepared on this new journey. I need to let Him take me to wherever it is He wants me to go.