*** I read this post in one of the blogs that I frequently visit. And so sad because her words are all like mine… ***
All these years, I have been trying to understand, accept and love you wholeheartedly, flaws and all. I’d like to believe that I did, in fact I feel that I have given everything that I can without saving something left for myself. I have given you the best that I can and the best that I have. Unfortunately, the cup is now empty, and there’s nothing left to give, but a shattered soul crying deep within.
I never wanted this to happen, and I don’t even want this to end. But I can’t bear hurting this way more than ever. A pain I never thought existed. Hate that I have kept all these years, all but to myself. As much as we both wanted to live a fairytale life, and have a happy ending, just like the stories we both read to M before she goes to bed, it wont happen. Not now, not today.
I once said to you and your mom that I am the only person who truly loved you this much. Sadly that is true… In fact I was saying more of that to your mom, for her to realize, that she should start acting as one, start being a mom to you and your siblings. Something that she should’ve done years ago but neglected. Where were they when you most need them? Where are they when you are crying hard, fearful of what your life might become? Where are they when you were at your saddest moment? They have given help, yes but in the end we have been paying for their “help” all our lives when in fact they shouldn’t have asked for anything in return. They are supposed to be your family bud sadly they don’t know what family truly means. They are supposed to be the first to love and accept you wholeheartedly but they were the ones who have stepped down on you even at your breaking point.
I didn’t regret spending the last 5 years of my life with you. But I regret that you have lacked the love that you deserve from your family. I regret that my love alone can not fill the gaps and emptiness that you now feel because of your past. I regret that I can only love you this much when you deserve a love more than any money, material things could buy. I regret that I had you at your worst and they have had you at your best. I wish I have loved you earlier, I wish I have never let you go before. Then maybe all of these has changed. You are worth loving and living for H. I wish it will never be too late for them to realize that.
You always say that you are sorry for being the way you are right now. But your wrong H. You are great. You have a big heart, a heart to help those who are in need, a heart that can forgive despite everything they have said and done. You are an awesome Brother to them, for being forgiving, and giving everything that you can and even those that you can’t.
I regret that I am not rich enough to fulfill your family’s needs and wants. I regret that I, just like them, is also a human who made mistakes.
I am now ready to accept defeat and be a laughing stock of your family for years. I have failed them for not being someone they thought I was. I have failed you, for giving up and not fighting for what we have fought for 5 long years. As ironic as this may seem, I am doing this because I love you and I want only but the best for you. I want to give you a chance to prove them wrong. That even without me, you alone can fulfill your dreams, for yourself, for them and even for me and your daughter. That you really don’t need a wife to get a life of your own. A life that you can be proud of…. A life that you once had but let them take control.
You don’t need me to change for the better. You don’t need me so that you can have a better life. You don’t need anyone… You can make your life more meaningful… You are the only one who can change this. Not me…
In the meantime, I will try to find myself… find the things that I can do best, things that I forgot I once have. I should try and learn how to truly love myself first before I can give more to this relationship. This isn’t goodbye H, this is just a meantime for both of us. A time to pick up the pieces that we once lost in the process.
Yes it will hurt and yes it will be painful… but hopefully in the end, we would know that all the hurt and tears are worth it because by then we have become better in order for our love to be stronger. That we have grown to be mature people whose more ready to face life’s difficulties and challenges. That by then, we would sleep, and wake up, with a whole feeling that together is where we should be. No doubts, no questions, no gaps. Just an overflowing feeling of love.
For now, Im willing to experience the pain and hurt in exchange of a more long term peace within us both. Im willing to sacrifice the pain that our daughter might experience with this decision because I want her to grow up with a mom and a dad that she can be both be proud of. I want her to see that her parents have fallen in love, got lost in the middle of it but still found love in the end.
This isn’t goodbye H… Just see you later.
Loving you over and beyond my grave.