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2009 – new year. new challenges. new me.
since the time hubby and i had a heart to heart talk, things has been better. He’s still an alcoholic I guess but I can’t actually tell because of holidays. There are lots of parties we attended and I still go home with a drunk husband.
He changed. He now plays the role of being a father to our daughter. He spends more time with her than before. He still has his mood swings every now and then but not like before. We haven’t had a big fight since the talk. Not even a minor one.
But I hope that 2009 will be better for us especially for him. I wanted to really help him get out of his alcoholic hobbies but how? What should a wife of an alcoholic do? What should I say that would’nt make him feel I am nagging him?
I love him. I found that spark of hope burried deep within the grudges in my heart. I still want to spend the rest of my life with this man. Despite all his imperfections, I still see myself growing old and wrinkly with him. I wanted to be right beside him each and every milestone in our life.
Im crying. Not because of pain but because of the realization, that he is my life. And I wish he could see more clearly how much I really do love him despite…
2009 – my new years wish – that may all the unhappy wives find their true happiness…
Ive been quiet…
I didn’t have the time to write about my pains and recent journey…
For the past few days Ive been trying drinking. His alcoholic behaviuor never changed. In fact it is even worse. I tried drinking beer to see what kind of satisfaction does he have when he drinks. That maybe I might understand.
But my journey in exploring alcohol hasn’t given me much answers. Instead it only made me more sad. For the whole week, ive cried myself to sleep. Our couple friends has been always around since we moved to a new home. However I can’t bear the thought of seeing all of them. Because they made me realize what is missing in my life.
Painful but true.
I can’t hide my emotions. My friends see me miserable.
Worst part is, he never seem to notice. (Will he ever?)
But I feel a new emotion… numbness…
I watch him drink, but now I dont hate it. I just dont care that much. I watch him sleep and I see a man whom I used to love but no longer do.
I dont smile because of his presence anymore.
Everyday I see more and more reasons not to love him… and then I ask myself why am I still here…
I cry not because I am afraid of loosing him but because of the fact that our marriage is failing. And because it seems that Ive wasted 5 years of my life with a wrong man who can’t seem to love me back.
It took me more than a month to write another post in this blog. Merely because I have been so caught up with business and also I wanted to forget about this part of me… I am not ready to accept that I am unhappy.
There’s no doubt about it, I love my husband. But despite that love, I am an unhappy wife.
I know he loves me. Truly, I can feel it. He may not be the romantic and expressive kind of guy, but in his own unique ways, he still shows that he loves me.
Is it possible to love him despite his being alcoholic?
Our married life is full of imperfections. Like any other married couple, we have our own set of challenges and indifferences. But there’s one part of him that I have always wished never existed.
Night after night, I had to deal with a drunk husband. Though he physically never have abused me. Emotionally I am aching. I have grown up with an alcoholic father, and I do not want my daughter to grow up seeing him that way too…
At times, I try to understand, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I understand. Even though deep within me I am shouting for release from this bondage and pain. I have tried to remain patient and submissive. But to the expense of my happiness.
I know that our lives could’ve been better without it.
But how can I really make him stop? How can I let him understand that alcohol will never be a solution to any of his problems or our problems? How can I convince him to live without it when all his life he had been doing it?
Stupid side of me still hopes that one day he wakes up and will no longer give in to his addiction. That my fairy good mother would wipe it off his system.But until when?
Somebody said marriage is a choice. And these are my options: to stay with him, understand and accept him despite of that. or to leave, and give up the love of my life in exchange of an alcohol-free life.
If you were me… what choice would you take?
Secret Thoughts of a Wife 