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I just finished watching the wedding on television and mixed emotions started to pour in. I never walked down the aisle. And I guess I already gave up that dream of having a church wedding years ago. It is close to impossible. Not because I dont have a groom but because I honestly don’t feel we deserve it.
5 years ago, I decided to marry a man whom I thought loved me more than I loved him. But 5 years after, I found myself in a marriage that should’ve never even started. Yes I am guilty of marrying H for the wrong reasons. I married him as an escape goat. To be out from the house that I am unhappy with. I remember telling myself on our wedding day, that everything’s going to be okay because I know he loved me more than I love him. I remember whispering to myself that I will learn to love him more as we go on with this journey. But I was wrong…
I realized, that I married a man whom I honestly didn’t know anything about. I made myself believe that he may not be my prince charming but he will soon be my king.
I would be a hypocrite if I say I didn’t love him at all. I do until now, but he isn’t my one great love.
I cried tonight. Knowing that I will never ever feel how other brides felt on their wedding day… Knowing that I will never walk down the aisle and be married with someone who has overflowing love for me. I was hit by the reality that my marriage is failing…. and I can’t do anything about it.
Goodbye fairytale wedding….
how do you put an end to what you have hoped to last forever?
this past few months was a whirlwind of problems that I never imagine could happen…
I have always believed in fairytales… and for the past years, I thought I was in one of them. In fairytales, the villains loose and the princess and her prince charming would always live happily ever after…
define happily ever after?
In my so-called fairytale story, I found my prince charming and have thought we would live happily ever after. Just when I thought we both have fought and won the battle over the villains in our story a new conflict arises…
Princess is now asking herself, is it worth the fight? is HE worth the fight? Do happily ever after exists? Or is it a choice? A choice to choose between happliy ever after or just plain “period”… a sad ending perhaps…
Choices… Its hard to make… Cause everytime I make any, there will always be what could’ve beens… never ending “what-ifs”…
I made up my mind… Im ready to leave… ready to move on and look for a greener pasture… for my princess… but with that decision, Am I ready to leave my “King”? Am I ready to put an end to a covenant I once made?
So let me think… Why did I came up with that decision? Why did it ever popped inside my chaotic mind?
There are gazillions of reasons i guess… unemployment, financial instability, differences, in laws, and psychological incompatibility are just to mention a few. I said to myself, what is there to loose anyway? I could always make it on my own.
Are there any reason to stay?
I loved him… wholeheartedly… I would be a hypocrite if i say I am ready to throw it all out without feeling any pain. As a matter of fact, its a paithat would seem to draw out all of your remaining strength, a pain that immobilizes me brain to think, my body to move, and my heart to shed love.
I don’t want to ruin his life… its a devastating thought… just to think of what could possibly happen after…
I care about my daughter… I will never be prepared if one day she’d be looking for her dad… or how would I explain that I left her dad just because…
My cousin told me, this is a decision I should make on my own…
If i stay, will we ever resolve our differences? Will He ever change? Will I ever find the things that I have been looking for? Or is it gonna be the same?
I remember my mom being in the same situation years before… I can even remember the time i begged her not to leave papa.. for my sake… and she didin’t. Now they are still together, through thick and thin, through sickness and in health… I asked her just days ago, why she didn’t leave papa and her answer was very simple… “because you asked me not to… and Im happy I didn’t”.
My head hurts… it hurts from all the questions and thinking Ive been doing for the past weeks… only to find out that my mind can’t make that sole decision, I had to also listen to what my hearts says…
Ending?
I guess it would hurt much if I stay and let this be another chapter of our fairytale…
Maybe our happily ever after is just beginning to end…
lemme ask you guys a big question?
“when do you say enough?”
“When do you say.. “this is over”?
when do you say goodbye?
i’ve been asking myself the same questions over and over again for months now. and i can’t seem to find the answer…
i feel that my marriage seemed to be a cycle of “away-bati” blues… sometimes were okay, most of the times we’re not. my marriage is far from perfect. but i bet everybody does have problems…
this not a question of who does not love who. we both love each other. i still think he loves me though.. but will this work?
i laughed at myself at times when i would pack my stuff and dare to leave and in the end i would end up forgiving him. a close friend of ours commented we just don’t seem happy together… and its a painful reality to accept. yes we’re not. if you would put a spy camera on us then you would definitely be bored. the only person that binds us together is mikee…
i love him of course,no questions asked. if i didn’t i wouldn’t be writing this blog. but i am unhappy… and thats the saddest part… cause he doesn’t seem to care or maybe too busy to notice.
so when do we say goodbye?
is it only when they’ve cheated us?
is it only when they’ve physically harmed us?
when?
It took me more than a month to write another post in this blog. Merely because I have been so caught up with business and also I wanted to forget about this part of me… I am not ready to accept that I am unhappy.
There’s no doubt about it, I love my husband. But despite that love, I am an unhappy wife.
I know he loves me. Truly, I can feel it. He may not be the romantic and expressive kind of guy, but in his own unique ways, he still shows that he loves me.
Is it possible to love him despite his being alcoholic?
Our married life is full of imperfections. Like any other married couple, we have our own set of challenges and indifferences. But there’s one part of him that I have always wished never existed.
Night after night, I had to deal with a drunk husband. Though he physically never have abused me. Emotionally I am aching. I have grown up with an alcoholic father, and I do not want my daughter to grow up seeing him that way too…
At times, I try to understand, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I understand. Even though deep within me I am shouting for release from this bondage and pain. I have tried to remain patient and submissive. But to the expense of my happiness.
I know that our lives could’ve been better without it.
But how can I really make him stop? How can I let him understand that alcohol will never be a solution to any of his problems or our problems? How can I convince him to live without it when all his life he had been doing it?
Stupid side of me still hopes that one day he wakes up and will no longer give in to his addiction. That my fairy good mother would wipe it off his system.But until when?
Somebody said marriage is a choice. And these are my options: to stay with him, understand and accept him despite of that. or to leave, and give up the love of my life in exchange of an alcohol-free life.
If you were me… what choice would you take?
Secret Thoughts of a Wife 